wild roses for yuu
by koifishinthepond
Summary: Kanda tries hard to associate himself with others. He especially tries hard with his General and Marie. But that new exorcist? The one who always bugs him? ("Why do you scowl? Is there poop stuck in there?") He always ends up flipping tables ("His long, luscious hair.") He hoped she gets constipated. She always is. So of course, it is must have been true love.


**01; the girl from which wild roses sprung - _part one_**

* * *

So, like. For some reason, Ibara woke up with bad shit stuck up in her ass. Uh, no. That sounded wrong, it's meant to be figurative, but it's not wrong physically speaking. Because she does.

Well, to be fair, that's what she gets when her clairvoyant intuition gets too strong that it manifests into the form of poop. What I mean is, shit stuck up in her ass is a morphological function of her body. If you still don't get it, that's okay, because she doesn't, either. But she's learned by now that telling people about her wonderful intuition only ends up with them calling her weird.

("gUYS LET'S NOT REVIEW FOR THE TEST LATER SHE'S NOT GOING TO COME."

"How'd you know."

"My poop tells me so AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS WHEN I'M HAVING THE URGE TO SHIT BEFORE AN IMPORTANT THING?"

"It means you're tense. And nervous. Now shut up and get your notes and stop being weird and dirty.")

Honestly. The "dirty" part is unnecessary because. Who doesn't go number 2.

(3 hours later, class president comes into the room.

"GUYS THE TEST'S POSTPONED. SHE'S SICK." Cue her poop.)

So all in all, her sts impractical morphological function isn't so bad at all. She's been saved too many times to turn against her intestines and curse her rectum for being too functional. Yeah, definitely.

However, the thing is. Right now. It hurts like the contents of hell flipped over times ten raised to the fifth. Ibara was not enthusiastic. It doesn't usually hurt to this extent, unless, you know, period. But that came last week, and curse the egg cells if they have the nerve to mature fast when she hasn't even grasped yesterday's Calculus lesson-point is it can't be period. Nope nopety nope.

She hopes this is stomachache, because God knows how much she wants an excuse to skip school. At least there would be a bright side to her suffering. So she continued to lay on her bed like a centipede on drugs, secretly wishing for her mom to see her in this state so she would not have to exit the room and go to school (ugh).

But, like. Ten minutes later. Gone. The pain's fucking gone. And then her mom comes bursting through her door like a bull yelling how she wakes up so early and Ibara still manages to be late. Ibara could feel hell being put back to its original place. School.

She cries.

("Mom, I'm being bullied."

"Stop those fake tears you impulsive liar. And stop bullying people."

"Ugh... and I don't bully people."

"Good for you. Now get up."

"Fine.")

She magically forgets about the mysterious stomach pain which isn't actually that mysterious but Ibara's an idiot who thinks too slow to connect the dots sometimes so it sort of becomes like that. And when you complain about going to school when you're walking to school is frustrating so you really tend to forget stuff.

There's just so much hate for school inside Ibara even number 2 in the loo won't suffice.

See, Ibara has a very active digestive system and her mental being could be interpreted with the digestive tract's state. ("I PASSED THE TEST I'M SO HAPPY I COULD SHIT RIGHT NOW.") But that's not rare for people, I suppose. Extreme emotions and all that jazz.

The one thing that Ibara forgot is that it can't be stomachache. She should've known.

But, well. Whoopsies.

"Are you narrating inside your head, or did you not poop comfortably."

Ibara tries for a smile when her friend appears beside her. "The former. And not all poop-related are related to me."

"Please stop being so weird. And walk faster, you dolt." Her friend decided that senseless violence would be cute, so she smacked Ibara on the head and god Ibara just wants to die from it so she would not have to experience one more day of school and-

"Hit harder next time, weakshit."-well, to hunt this fucking weak excuse of a friend for all eternity, in the name of gratitude and friendship.

Nonetheless, it seems Ibara has wounded her pride ("My name's Xuan Yi! And what kind of a good friend introduces me in a parenthesis?"). She growled, and if Ibara knows one thing about her, it's that she's like a cat. She tenses when she's ready

to pounce.

Ibara made a run for it.

...which was a bad idea.

They reached the school, out of breath, painfully regretting their whole existence particularly running like lunatics in the middle of summer when mornings are equivalent to the penumbra of the scorching sun.

And it looks like Ibara may have shook the contents of her guts a hundred and eighty degrees while running because she could feel it. The impending catastrophe intending to strike the toilets.

Honestly, she feels sick of it.

She wonders what kind of stomach God has given her that she can't live in peace.

"I-I'm going to go number 2," she whispered to Yuki, panting and definitely ready to do the do.

Yuki's eyes widened. "This early?"

"Your fault," Ibara begrudgingly replies, "...actually, since it's your fault, take responsibility and-"

"Just go before I kick you and make your shit retreat."

"Okay, okay," she sings and makes her way to her kingdom, feeling positive that it's going to go away after she's released hatred.

But it doesn't, and now she thinks she's constipated, because nothing comes out. And the pain only gets worse by the second time she forces it out.

Heck, she doesn't even know if it's her stomach hurting by this point. Man, being a dysfunctional human being really sucks and now she's stuck in the toilets groaning in agony because fuck it's not getting any better.

This isn't how she imagined herself talking dirty to someone but Ibara's glad she's not with someone right now.

At least, she thinks she's alone. But then voices echoed nearby and Ibara is pretty sure they were not females.

"Are you sure it's around here?"

"Yeah, I hear it-strange noises that are not very human."

"Yeah? What does it sound like?"

"Like... rumbling and very much not so human."

"It's rumbling? Maybe that's just someone's stomach. Are they hungry?"

"Maybe. Or they could be constipated."

Ibara shrinks back into the toilet. She understands that her stomach is not very human, at all. She prays they don't go in here.

"Where's that old geezer, anyway?" The voice sounds annoyed.

"Talking to the Head Mistress of the school, probably."

"I'm going to kick him if he transfers me here."

"I doubt it. We need to go back to the Headquarters soon."

Ibara doesn't hear the rest. The voices fade away and god her stomach still doesn't cooperate. The bell rings and Ibara wants to cry. She gives up on it, eventually, and goes to her class to suffer even more.

It's noisy when she gets there, and she spots Xuan Yi doing her thing, possibly a homework that Ibara is not aware that they have. So she approaches her.

"I couldn't poop."

"Hello to you, too."

Ibara sighs and plops down the seat next to her. "So what miracle has happened here that I do not see a teaching creature in the room?"

"Teacher's husband died last weekend. She's absent, you know, grieving."

Ibara feels her stomach churn again. But she ignores it, and somehow her heart does not function properly.

"Oh. Uh, we're not mourning?"

"Why would we?"

"Oh. Uh. Nevermind." Well. Ibara does not understand, but sure. Her heart tugs at her again, possibly anguished, but why would she be?

(Because, unconsciously , it reminds her of the perfect life she used to have, but forgot.)

She takes her sketchpad out, and absentmindedly draws. Ibara doesn't like thinking too much about it, so she doesn't. Instead, she remembers her dream this morning, you know, before the crazy ass thing, and even though she does not remember it... the glint of cold, sharp steel makes her shiver-was it from fear?

She is sure it wasn't the first time she's dreamt of the katana and its beautiful owner, but Ibara always remembers him vaguely. Enough to sketch him, sure.

"Ah," Xuan Yi calls out to her, "They said we do have art class today, even though she's not around."

For a second, Ibara sparkles. But it starts again. "Uuuuu (gh)."

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 _lmao i'm sorry for the crappy first chapter i hope you guys liked it T T it's been too long since i wrote but this story has been in my mind since i first watched dgm. Even before i read the mystery of kanda arc uwu so im verryyyy sorryyyyyyy yulma ship i love umy children but this needs to be done uwu also im sorry if this story seems weird so far uhuhu xd stay tuned xx_


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